So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
