grandma shit on top of the toilet
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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