Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
