i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
