i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
