remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
