How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
