The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
