is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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