I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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