I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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