FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
