I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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