I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
