i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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