Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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