my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
