Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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