I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my fart just growled at me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
