So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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