dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
