We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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