Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
