you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
