I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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