Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
