I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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