Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
