I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
