Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think i have two assholes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
