I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
