home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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