Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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