the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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