I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we're making bets on your personal life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
