Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
