plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
