HIV tests are more positive than that guy
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
