I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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