Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
