just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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