Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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