i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish you could order shots online.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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