Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
