OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
