i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
