I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
