Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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