it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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