never play flip cup with pint glasses
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
