Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh god it's open bar.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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